So, this is my first new blog entry on my brand new website, my first (relatively) clean start since the last accretion disc began in early 2003. I realize that the current blog template has none of the old template’s charm; don’t worry, I’ll be bringing the plaid look back eventually.
Here are some ruminations, brought on by me spending all evening going through my old blog trying to find things worth saving. There were a few useful articles here and there, which I have more fully-integrated into the rest of my site, but I’m finding that most of my old “blog content” is just not worth the hassle of preserving.
Going through the archaeological dig of My Life, I got a stark reminder of just how immature I was when I started blogging, and how every time I looked back and thought I’d come a long way since “back then,” just a few entries later I would end up demonstrating that I still had a long way to go. I suspect that this time will be no different. I wonder if I’m doomed to never really develop in this way.
I turn 40 in a few weeks, so if I haven’t figured it out by now it seems unlikely that I ever will.
At least I can look back on the old stuff and feel okay that I’ve left a lot of my worse tendencies behind. In particular, I used to have some pretty major issues with entitlement and impatience, and getting really angry when things didn’t immediately go my way. I still have trouble with that but at least I (usually) recognize when that’s happening and can (usually) back and calm myself down. Sometimes.
I also had a very self-centric view of the world; any time I said or did something horrible I’d just chalk it up to everyone making mistakes, but whenever someone else did or said something even slightly construable as maybe not Absolutely Perfect or which inconvenienced me in any way I’d have a tantrum. I’d like to think I’ve gotten a lot better about that.
Maybe when I go back and revisit this entry sometime in the future I’ll roll my eyes and think, gosh, I sure was so mature then, I’d totally figured things out. (Because I still have a deeply sarcastic streak, despite trying to rid myself of that as well.)
Anyway. One of my purposes in making a new content management system is that I want to see a return to long-form content creation and sharing. I miss the days when people could have meaningful conversations online without everything turning into a shouting match, 140 characters at a time. Although looking at my old blog entries I’m not sure those days ever really existed for me, but I could at least try making what could have been, this time around.
One thing I did notice: my entries definitely took on a much more positive tone after I got my orchiectomy in 2014. There’s something to be said about the benefits of finally getting one’s hormones in the correct spot. Dysphoria was like a never-ending demon gnawing at my soul, and while I wish I could have taken that step much earlier in my life (for a whole bunch of reasons), it is probably the biggest thing I’ve done that I still have absolutely zero regrets over, even moreso than the full GRS I finally got in early 2017.
I am extremely glad that transgender issues are now getting way more understanding and compassion in the mainstream, and my regret for how difficult it was for me until recently is far overshadowed by how much better things are for trans kids today. Society still has a long way to go but at least we’re headed in the right direction overall.
Which I guess describes me as well.
Anyway, welcome to my new site.