Super burnout

So, yesterday I had a major panic attack while driving, for the first time in several years, and the worst one I’d had in over a decade. So, that was fun.

Right now I’m in this weird split mindset, where on the one hand I feel like I need a day job to be motivated, but on the other hand, every time I find out about a job that I’d be qualified for, I have no interest whatsoever in doing it, like at all.

Even things that normally would bring me pleasure are just… hard. Like, I’m doing pretty okay at choir but I feel too tired to be super involved in it. And I am having a hard time thinking about music at all right now. I’m able to keep up with the podcast but that’s only a few hours' worth of work in any given week (and it takes me a lot to work up the motivation to write and record an episode most of the time).

I’m stuck in this gravity well where I feel like my passion is basically dead. I can’t see myself giving a shit about anything. Everything just feels so futile and meaningless.

Usually when I’m motivated by a thing I can see a plan, or at least possibilities, and right now when I think about all of the stuff I’d normally want to be doing, I just see a big sucking void of nothingness.

Yesterday’s panic attack also has me super concerned about whether I’ll even be able to drive to the final rehearsal and actual performance that we’ve been practicing for at choir. I hope I can figure something out. I feel like I should maybe do some longer drives this weekend to see how I feel about it, but I don’t want to push myself so soon.

Sometimes I feel like it’d be easier to just stop existing, which is a feeling I’ve had before, and not a feeling I want to act on, but it’s just so hard to think about the alternative, which is to say, existing.

Right now I don’t feel good, or bad, or depressed, or sad. I just feel nothing. Which I guess is the definition of burnout and depression.

I think I need to start working on pottery again.


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