Followup from yesterday

So, the update from yesterday is that I am now on anticoagulants again, and I am not terribly happy about it. On the plus side I’m on Xarelto which takes way less management than Warfarin, but on the minus side I am told that I likely need to be on them for a long time (at least a year, possibly forever) due to my prior clot history, and so far it’s been giving me a headache and I’m also constantly worried about, you know, bleeding out and dying.

I’m also still in considerable pain, both in my leg but also in my everything else, because this fibro flare just will not end. And I’m under a lot of stress right now, and I’m frustrated at a lot of things.

Technology seems to be constantly my enemy lately. Stuff just keeps on failing without cause. My Internet connection goes wonky for parts of the universe but not others. My computer goes through random spurts of unresponsiveness. Everything feels like it’s falling apart, and I feel helpless. Things have gotten too complicated.

I am in excruciating pain. Stress makes me hurt. The hurt makes me stress. I get frustrated more quickly at things. I have trouble writing my thoughts down, or articulating things verbally. I’m having difficulty with work, with friends, with hobbies. I feel like a powder keg ready to go off.

I’m also having so much trouble paying attention to things, partly because of the above but also partly because of my unmedicated ADHD. But getting medicated again means going through a lot of hassle to find a psychiatrist and going through more drugs, and historically everything I’ve tried has been either ineffective, or effective for a few days before it nearly puts me in the hospital. I don’t want to be nearly put in the hospital again, especially after actually being in the hospital yesterday.

I hate that computers have become this mysterious black box that nobody knows how anything works and “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” has gone from a funny IT joke to a way of life. I’m sick of how everyone treats units of computing as a monolith, or something to subdivide into tiny monoliths via layers upon layers of virtualization. I bought a new Intel NUC to offload my work computing onto physical hardware instead of dealing with Virtualbox making my Mac even laggier and slower and less stable, and now I just have two computers being cantankerous and annoying, and I made the mistake of installing Ubuntu 20.04 on it when the stuff at work only really works on 18.04, even though it automatically shoves everything into a giant pile of VMs anyway. I should probably just reinstall 18.04 instead. It’s such a fucking hassle.

Logic 10.5 came out yesterday, and it has some amazing new stuff I’ve been yearning for so I installed it, but I’m kind of afraid to want to try it, because they’ve made a huge change to everything and right now I really don’t have the spoons or wherewithal to relearn it again. Plus dealing with the inevitable piles of crashy bugs that always happen with a major update.

Not that I can make music right now. My home studio is a mess and my wrists are in agony and everything is falling apart. I want to clean my place up but every time I try I just get frustrated and feel pain and fatigue and I’m so tired of tripping over everything but tripping over stuff makes me feel pain and fatigue. It’s a never-ending cycle.

I just need to get away from everything for a while but where do I get away to right now? And I want to see my friends but they all live in the computer now. Also if I take a trip, someone needs to feed my cats, and thanks to social distancing I don’t think I can even get anyone to do that.

I’m so tired of how every piece of technology needs to be at the forefront of everything now. Every website demands full attention with constant notifications. Every app as well. And you can’t just temporarily turn SOME things off; it’s everything or nothing. Maybe I should put my computer on permanent do-not-disturb mode. And phone, too, except then I miss stuff that I really can’t miss (like phone calls from my doctor). Managing distractions has become a full-time job in and of itself.

I’m just so very tired.


Before commenting, please read the comment policy.

Avatars provided via Libravatar