Hm, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything of substance. I guess I could check in for those of you who still read this for whatever reason.
Let’s see. Pain’s been just kinda meh lately. I had increased my nortriptyline dose to 30mg/day, but that was making my heart race all night, so I went back to 20mg/day, but that’s made my pain harder to manage. I think I’ll go back to 30 tonight and maybe take some diphenhydramine to try to balance that out?
I haven’t been using my CPAP machine for about a month now, because it was just making everything worse and I was waiting to get the results from my sleep study. But that kept on getting delayed for Reasons and I’ll finally get the results next Tuesday but in the meantime the rental period on the machine ended and so insurance converted it to a purchase and now I have this expensive brick that I have no intention of ever using again and I’m so sick and tired of the Cult of CPAP insisting that it will be the cure for all my woes and that the reason it wasn’t working was because I wasn’t Doing It Right or something. And meanwhile I’ve been running audio recordings of myself all night long and there is absolutely no evidence of obstructive apnea and I probably only have central, not complex, apnea, and it turns out that CPAP is not a suitable treatment for that which can only make it worse, and there are machines that are suitable but the original in-home sleep study “proved” I had obstructive apnea even though I am pretty sure it was a false positive due to my cats' tendency to rub against my chest while I sleep which probably tricked the microphone or something.
Meanwhile, the Model 01 has gotten really frustrating lately because Matias switches have a tendency to be failure-prone, so I’m using the less-bad Model 01 at home and have switched back to one of my Filco Tenkeyless ones at work. I also decided to try out some MX Clear switches so I bought a Ducky One to try out and I kind of like it but like, I dunno. I kinda wish I didn’t have to type at all right now. I also wish there were a switch with the feel of the Cherry Blue without the noise.
Because of pain and fatigue I’m just constantly in a state of brain fog at work and I don’t know why they put up with me there right now. I have no idea what I’m doing and I don’t feel like I’m actually a net positive for the lab at the moment. I don’t know how much of that is my brain being meh and how much of it is me realizing that it’s just plain hard for me to pick up new, complex, sprawling concepts anymore. I need to figure out how to make things work better. And I also wish I could work on music and comics more than I am, and I’m just feeling so useless in all avenues.
I’m also feeling pretty withdrawn lately. I just kind of want to socialize with a select few people right now and it seems like the only way to do that is to throw myself into large, tiring social environments. I also feel like most of my friendships are rather asymmetric right now, but I might also just be in some sort of self-loathing spiral right now. It just gets really tiresome to reach out to others and not be responded to at all, y'know?
But, whatever. My brain isn’t in a good spot right now and I’m ruminating on basically everything and I probably shouldn’t be writing off-the-cuff blog entries.