Ketamine therapy was very interesting for me. It helped me with some things, didn’t help with others.
The big thing it helped me with was finally processing some deep-seated trauma, which is at the core to a lot of my other issues. So in turn that’s helped a lot with panic attacks and anxiety. It’s too early to tell if those have been cured or if they’re just easier for me to deal with now. It’s been a week since my last session and I’ve felt little twinges of anxiety but for now I’m able to just call on the feelings that I had while in my little pocket universe and reflect on how impermanent the universe is and how it’s okay to feel concern but the world isn’t ending, and even if it does, what difference does it make?
It was also at least somewhat philosophically-interesting, to have all concepts of objectivity being ripped away and, y'know, expanding my mind, maaaaaan.
I’m also way better at tolerating stimulants now. I’m able to drink caffeine without issue, and yesterday I tried Adderall again as an experiment and while it didn’t help me the way I needed it to, it also didn’t give me a BP spike or a panic attack like it did last time. So that gives me hope that I might find something that works after all.
On the minus side, the main thing I did this for, namely treating my fibromyalgia pain? No effect. The moment I start programming, I’m just in agony all over again. I starting to think I can’t be a software engineer anymore. I need to figure out what’s next.
I do worry a bit that ketamine is turning into some sort of a cure-all cult thing. Some of the vibe I got from the nurses was like that.
I don’t feel like it was a transformative experience, just informative. It’s also quite expensive, and definitely not accessible to everyone. I’m not sure it really needs to be, either, though.
I think it was helpful to give me a laser-focused lens right back into my psyche. I don’t think it revealed any new truths, it just helped me to look at what I know from a different perspective.
Much has been said by folks on the left about how if everyone did ketamine we’d all be happier and nicer to each other, but I don’t know if I believe that. I feel like ultimately my mind wasn’t changed about anything, I was picking-and-choosing what to reinforce. I’ve read studies that conservative and alt-right folks don’t come out of a ketamine treatment suddenly feeling more connected and giving, it only ends up reinforcing their beliefs about what’s true.
While trying to find one of those studies, I learned that Peter Thiel is deep into this business. And psychedelics put a billionaire down the path of being even more of a billionaire.
Drugs aren’t magic. They’re tools. They can be useful tools. Heck, right now I’m chilling with some over-the-counter cannabinoids. But I know from experience that cannabis, which is supposedly a mellow, super-chill drug that makes everyone friendlier and nicer, makes assholes into even bigger assholes. People are really good at amplifying the traits which they cherish in themselves, they don’t do a great job of instilling new traits on people.
Do I think it’d be great if it were easier to afford this stuff? Absolutely. Do I think everyone should try it at least once? Maybe. Do I think it’s as big a deal as it’s being made out to be? Not so much.
I don’t know what my next step is in terms of fibromyalgia treatment. I do know I’ll probably invest in a psylocibin grow-at-home kit, though. Psychedelics can be helpful for some things.
Just not everything.