Ketamine day 3

Today was my third ketamine infusion. It was intensely cozy.

Commonalities with previous infusions:

  • Felt like I was a tiny speck and that all of spacetime was collapsing down into this liminal space that I was part of
  • I do have a physical body but it’s indistinct from everything around it
  • Lots of trees
  • Surrounded by fractals
  • Everything is impermanent and any fears about me dying were quickly dispelled by me feeling like the universe is fine and all grief is transitory
  • Everything is so out of order and I wish I could bring a video recorder inside with me so that I can review it later and share it with others

Observations about the trip itself:

  • Ketamine trips feel a lot like being the protagonist of Source Code (2011). I wonder if ketamine was involved in the conception of that movie.
  • This one was a higher dosage than the previous ones1 and it took me way longer to come down out of it than before. It felt like That One Scene in Soylent Green (1973)
  • I must be getting old because the nurse had never heard of Soylent Green before and had no idea what it was about, and she was extremely amused about it being set in 2022

Stuff that happened this time:

  • I kept on thinking I was at home, like, in my house, experiencing extreme comfort and coziness, and I was surrounded by my cats, particularly Fiona, Tyler, and Werner
  • I understood that Chris is dead, and that the universe continues on without him, and everything is impermanent2
  • If the universe is so happy why am I crying
  • Because it took me so long to come out of the haze the clinic had to kick me out because they were closing and I was taking too long to recover and that feels frankly irresponsible, I was barely lucid enough to call a Lyft and get into the right one, I think I need to have Words with the clinic
  • I’ve been avoiding thinking about Chris during these things but this time I just couldn’t not and I think that’s good, the trauma around him is a big part of why I’m so fucked up these days and the whole reason to do this was to try to actually let myself process things
  • I was but an electron and the things that I do sends out photons to all the other electrons to do with as they please in an infinite cosmic dance
  • Jobs aren’t important, things aren’t important
  • What even is music, and how do I make it, well I guess I think it’s pretty good anyway
  • The universe was made of clay and I could feel it between my fingers, and I can shape it but I can also go with the flow and there are little lumps that need to be worked out and it’s okay, everything will be fine

This time I used the clinic’s playlist which was pretty okay. I think for my next one I need to bring some Disasterpeace, particularly the Fez soundtrack which I think would work really well.

Also I really wish I had any friends who could drive and were willing to pick me up from these things, because holy crap is it lonely to be driven home by a random stranger from Lyft.

  1. it also doesn’t help that I’ve been dealing with some mild bronchitis and had just taken a bunch of Robitussin before the appointment 

  2. incidentally I saw Source Code with Chris, because a core component of our relationship was going out to see pretty much every movie on the weekends 


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