It's hard to believe it's been a year already, and at the same time it's hard to believe it's only been a year.
Chris was a very important person in my life. He helped me to feel a lot better about myself. He always encouraged me to do better and be a better person. At the same time he also encouraged me to just be myself. He loved the things that made me a unique individual, and gave me a safe outlet for expressing those things without having to worry about judgement from others. Above all else he just wanted me to be happy, even if part of it was based on something he couldn't understand.
He was a complicated person, himself, and he had a complicated love life to match. Some of that complexity — a part I didn't know about, a part nobody knew about beyond the slightest inkling held by his closest friends — was eventually part of his undoing. His last few days on this planet were marked by a sudden and drastic shift, and he must have been in such hell already that the end must have been a huge relief for him. All that anyone could ask afterwards was, "Why?"
Our relationship itself had its ups and downs. We usually saw each other on the weekends, but we lived and worked on opposite ends of the peninsula, and sometimes it was just too convenient for us to not feel like making the journey to see each other. In a lot of ways it was a relationship of convenience. Neither of us really wanted to make the big move to live together, mostly out of practical concerns.
Even two years ago I had wanted to move back to Seattle, but I decided that my relationship with Chris was too important for that, and so I saved the idea for a rainy day. I kind of forgot about it until a few months ago. As luck would have it, I would end up unpacking certain boxes of things in my new home two days before the worst anniversary of my life, and then see a widely-circulated article on the Internet that hit too close to home, and all these feelings I've been trying to deal with for the last year have bubbled over after being kept back too long.
I think it's fair to say that the past year has been the worst of my life, and I can only hope it will get better from here.
I miss him so much.