Pain, fatigue, and focus

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Two weeks since my last ketamine infusion and my anxiety is… present, again, and my chronic pain never went away at all but now I’m feeling a lot more aware of it.

I went back and tried Adderall again and it didn’t mess me up, although it also didn’t help me like it did the last time I tried it. But neither Adderall nor caffeine are messing with my blood pressure or increasing my anxiety, so I’ve reopened the conversation with my doctor regarding other meds for ADHD. In particular, I asked about Dexedrine and Desoxyn. Both of them seem promising at the dosages I’m looking at, although my insurance won’t cover Desoxyn (which is unsurprising, there was a TV series about it) so we’re trying Dexedrine first.

Regarding chronic pain, my doctor went over my chart and he noticed that we never really did anything about my high triglycerides, and then he had a thought: what if my high triglycerides are contributing to my fibro symptoms? Doing some cursory literature search found that it’s plausible, at least, so I’m also going to start on Fenofibrate to lower my triglycerides and hopefully get my body in some sort of balance there. He’s also ordered some more labwork to see if I have any gaping vitamin deficiencies.

Have I mentioned how much I cherish this doctor? Of all the doctors I’ve seen, this is the only one where I feel like he actually listens to me, doesn’t talk down to me, understands that I know my body and have done my reserach, and is willing to try things to attempt to treat these complex, deep-seated issues that have caused me problems for the past 25-odd years. It’s a lot easier to be patient as a patient when the healthcare provider treats me with respect like this.

He’s definitely a rare breed.

Ketamine 4.1

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On the plus side, my focus is way higher, and my anxiety is the lowest it’s been in a decade.

On the minus side, my chronic pain still sucks a lot, and this is still making it very hard for me to do my job.

It’s still been a huge net benefit for me though. And supposedly it takes a little while for ketamine treatments to have an effect on chronic pain. I’ll get there eventually.

Closure

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It has been over 10 years since the person so many of us knew as Findra passed away. I haven’t spoken much about them or the circumstances of this horrible, tragic event, which has filled me with so many complex emotions for so long, and these feelings have been destroying me. I know that Findra would not want me to be suffering in this way.

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Ketamine 3.6

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Oh yeah, another thing I keep forgetting to mention is that when I feel the ketamine really kick in, it feels like the death part of a death poop from hell. Like, everything is just… ending, and I feel it first in my hands and feet and then it’s a wave that just washes over me.

It also reminds me a lot of a time back in 2005 when I got severely dehydrated and passed out on the sidewalk and got a mild concussion, like I felt like I was dead and that’s okay, everything was calm and peaceful and quiet.

The transition from waking/conscious to ego-death is a bit jarring but once you get there it’s quite lovely. The return to reality can be pretty rough though.

Ketamine 3.5

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Yesterday’s infusion left me feeling a lot more wobbly than usual today, but it was also a huge increase in dose. I ended up going to Taco Bell for lunch since it’s the only place within walking distance (EDIT: not actually the only place in walking distance but the quickest and easiest option for food near my home that I don’t have to prepare myself), and I decided to get a lunch combo, and in my haze I decided to make my drink Mountain Dew Baja Blast, which is rather high in caffeine.

So, on the minus side, I now have the strongest caffeine headache I’ve had in about 10 years when I first had to go cold turkey on it.

But on the plus side it’s just a caffeine headache, and not a panic attack!

I think this is evidence that the ketamine treatments are working, and maybe this means I’ll be able to go back on Adderall when this is all over with.

I don’t know if this has done anything for my chronic pain just yet, but those things are so interrelated anyway. So this is pretty promising in any case.

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Ketamine day 3

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Today was my third ketamine infusion. It was intensely cozy.

Commonalities with previous infusions:

  • Felt like I was a tiny speck and that all of spacetime was collapsing down into this liminal space that I was part of
  • I do have a physical body but it’s indistinct from everything around it
  • Lots of trees
  • Surrounded by fractals
  • Everything is impermanent and any fears about me dying were quickly dispelled by me feeling like the universe is fine and all grief is transitory
  • Everything is so out of order and I wish I could bring a video recorder inside with me so that I can review it later and share it with others

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