busybee fluffy rambles

So, a couple months ago I started on Lyrica, which made me super fatigued and didn’t help with my pain any. And I got super frustrated about not being able to get anything done.

Over the last couple weeks I’ve been tapering off the Lyrica, and it’s made a huge difference in my energy levels: I’m actually able to do stuff again!

So of course with this surge of energy I’ve been Doing All The Things, with the inevitable result that I am now in incredible pain because I’ve overdone it (as you could probably tell by all the work I did on the streaming music prototyping over the last couple days). And of course, I got it to a spot where things are useful for a hypothetical future, but nothing anyone else can actually use just yet.

My life is such a precarious balancing act, huh.

I’ve changed my Lyrica dosing schedule to take it all in the evening, which has helped a little with my fatigue but I’m still just so very tired throughout the day and can barely get anything done.

I’m also still in a lot of pain and can barely get anything done because of that, too. I feel like what few responsibilities I have these days are falling by the wayside and I feel awful about it.

In particular, I have a few pieces of music I need to get done soon and I want to get done but I just can’t work up the energy to do so. Plus I still want to finish the basement reorganization project and that just feels Bad right now.

This weekend was also pretty draining, from Song Fight! Live (which went well but which I have some Thoughts about which aren’t suitable for sharing in public), and then yesterday my ADHD support group had a somewhat-impromptu meeting at Cal Anderson which was a bit of a nightmare to get to and not worth the energy expenditure given how few people actually came.

I’m just so tired of being tired.

Just had a realization that this massive current big-fatigue problem started right around when I started on Lyrica, which hasn’t helped with my pain at all, and I do recall mentioning the fatigue to my doctor and her suggesting some other things to try, but uh, maybe this is just as useless for me as gabapentin was

sure is great having a treatment-resistant chronic disorder or two

I’ve been struggling with my fibromyalgia + chronic fatigue lately. So hard for me to do any of the things I want to do. I can push myself into it for something especially compelling but that ends up wiping me out for days afterward. And I feel like I’m missing so much time, too.

Even driving a mile to the grocery store and navigating things there and doing the very basics is A Lot for me right now. Driving is such a large amount of effort and I feel like I can barely make it there and back safely.

Song Fight! Live is this weekend and I’m having a hard time even seeing myself being able to participate in it at this point, at least to the level I want to.

I’m so fucking tired, and then I have people around me shaming me for not being able to do the things I want to do, as if I don’t want to be doing them, as if I can just magically summon the fucking energy that isn’t there.

Everything is just a lot and there isn’t a whole lot of stuff out there filling me with optimism. Like, all of the information about chronic fatigue syndrome is that there’s no treatment, it’s all about ✨managing your energy✨ but I’m already doing the bare minimum to exist and even that is too fucking much for me.

I still have so many songs and stories and games in me but they’re just fucking locked inside.

I need help.

I finally have a disability hearing tomorrow morning. Feel free to send positive vibes, if you’re into such.