Things on hold

I’ve been having another major pain flareup, or rather the pain flareup that started a few weeks ago has continued to get worse, and it’s super difficult for me to do anything right now. Typing hurts, my brain is in constant fog, and there’s no freaking way I can work on music or art right now.

I’m super frustrated by this, of course, especially feeling like I’m so close to being done with Transitions as well as my new music website, but I gotta take care of myself so that there’s still a me to do the things I want to do with.

I ended up handing off one of my video editing projects to someone else so that at least takes some pressure off, and I’m just giving myself permission to nap, a lot, which my body has been craving.

Pretty much I only have the spoons for basic self-care right now, and that’s gonna have to be enough for a while. I’m also pretty much stuck at home because I don’t feel comfortable driving (or leaving the house, really) and even if the stuff I wanted to do were accessible by transit, I definitely don’t have the spoons to manage transit right now.

Also today I realized it’s been a year and a half since I started my disability claim, and it just keeps on getting blocked by bureaucratic nonsense.

John Oliver’s overview of the situation only scratches the surface of what I’ve been having to deal with.

At least I have enough savings to last me around 8 years. That’s more than a lot of people have. (And when I do get disability I’ll get back payments from when I first applied, although I still won’t enjoy the interest I would have earned on it in that time too.)

The most frustrating thing is that I’m not able to participate in choir as much as I’d like, and I worry that I won’t be able to participate in our shows in November. But there will always be others in the future, and everyone’s super understanding and encouraging me to take care of myself before anything else.

My hands just hurt so fucking much right now and my body is acting like everything is falling apart, like it’s almost like I’ve got some systemic inflammation all over. Everything feels like it’s being squeezed, including my lungs.

At least I’m getting plenty of sleep.