The agony of being

The last few days I’ve been having yet another awful chronic pain flareup. So it’s been one of those time periods when I kind of wish I didn’t have a body, or at least didn’t have to exist so much.

This time I don’t even know what brought it on, it just kind of came out of the blue, after a whole week of being too fatigued to do anything substantial.

I’m trying to finish up my remaining commitments for strawberry jam although everyone waiting for music from me is understanding and not in a huge rush. There’s one piece I want to get done today because the team is trying to wrap up development today but they also waited until the last minute to give me a specification for what they wanted so I’m not feeling too bad if I can’t get anything done for them, I guess.

I’ve also been having even more vestibular issues lately and I don’t feel safe to drive at all. I have two followup appointments, at least, namely another CT scan tomorrow and a neurology followup the first week of March. Hopefully between the two someone can figure something out.

I also keep on feeling like there’s these little mini-crises that happen when I’m already in pain, like right now I’m scrambling to find another email provider because Purelymail just hasn’t been working out so great. I’ve looked at a bunch of providers and the top two contenders I’m trying to decide between are Fastmail and Namecheap (who I already use as my domain registrar), but I need more information about Namecheap that nobody seems to be willing to provide. (Specifically, whether I can have a single account serving multiple domains.) Price-wise I’d definitely prefer Namecheap, of course.

Some good stuff is happening though:

  • My disability hearing is finally getting scheduled
  • Seattle City Light has accepted me into the low-income weatherization program, so maybe my house can finally get insulated
  • My business license is now valid so now I’m in a less legally-gray area with my business stuff (not that I’m doing any business stuff right now, ugh)
  • I bought a cheap trumpet and am learning to doot, it is going slowly but that’s okay, slow can be good

But yeah. Pain, fatigue, my kitchen’s a mess, I’m having so much difficulty keeping up with projects, getting around has gotten difficult and I’m feeling super isolated, and I really wish things didn’t have to be this way.