busybee fluffy rambles

First, some positives. Things I accomplished:

• Wrote a few blog entries
• Kept myself fed
• Took a walk on the beach (getting there at all being a triumph, before a bunch of goobers tried to make me feel bad for it¹)
• Handled a couple of frustrating website problems
• Added a new material variant to my avatar
• Did my usual weekly Trans Academy performance
• Returned to choir practice after taking a week off

Things I wanted to accomplish but couldn’t seem to get done at all:

• Clean my kitchen
• Work on some music for a client
• Do a Song Fight! entry, because I got some rare inspiration
• Work on a couple of other musical challenges
• Really, do anything in my recording studio at all

I’m just feeling so fatigued, and it’s hard for me to even get out of bed most days. By the time I finally do, it feels like it’s so late in the day that it’s too late to start on anything, which is silly because it’s not like I have much of a schedule to uphold, just a bunch of deadlines, which I do not feel like I’m meeting.

My sleep has definitely been absolute shit though, and that hasn’t been helping at all. Like, I’ll go to bed around midnight, struggle to fall asleep, eventually drift off around 2-3, then wake up at 6, try and fail to fall back to sleep, eventually get up at like 10 or 11, then before I know it it’s 2 PM, and maybe I’ll take a walk and then take a nap as soon as I get back home.

I don’t really feel depressed, though, just tired. And like time is slipping away super fast. And like nobody really cares if I do anything or not. And like nothing that I do even matters.

Okay, so I guess I do feel depressed.

I’ve definitely been feeling a lot of random pain this week, and my usual mitigation strategies just aren’t working. There’s definitely something deeply wrong but it’s nothing I feel motivated to fix right now. And this doesn’t feel like the sort of thing that, like, medication can fix, not that I’ve ever found a brain medication that actually works for me without having much worse side effects.

What I need is:

1. To not be in pain
2. To feel like anything I do fucking matters

and I rationally know the second one is true and people keep telling me it’s true but it just feels so fake

I’m tired, I’m lonely, I need more, but not so much more that I’m overwhelmed. I’m not walking a tightrope, I’ve fallen down and I’m clinging on for dear life, and hoping that someone didn’t decide to move the safety net while I wasn’t looking.

I have a big show coming up next week and I really hope I’m able to perform at it. The way things are going I’m not so sure I can. But at least it’s something to look forward to.