busybee fluffy rambles

I’ve changed my Lyrica dosing schedule to take it all in the evening, which has helped a little with my fatigue but I’m still just so very tired throughout the day and can barely get anything done.

I’m also still in a lot of pain and can barely get anything done because of that, too. I feel like what few responsibilities I have these days are falling by the wayside and I feel awful about it.

In particular, I have a few pieces of music I need to get done soon and I want to get done but I just can’t work up the energy to do so. Plus I still want to finish the basement reorganization project and that just feels Bad right now.

This weekend was also pretty draining, from Song Fight! Live (which went well but which I have some Thoughts about which aren’t suitable for sharing in public), and then yesterday my ADHD support group had a somewhat-impromptu meeting at Cal Anderson which was a bit of a nightmare to get to and not worth the energy expenditure given how few people actually came.

I’m just so tired of being tired.

I’ve been struggling with my fibromyalgia + chronic fatigue lately. So hard for me to do any of the things I want to do. I can push myself into it for something especially compelling but that ends up wiping me out for days afterward. And I feel like I’m missing so much time, too.

Even driving a mile to the grocery store and navigating things there and doing the very basics is A Lot for me right now. Driving is such a large amount of effort and I feel like I can barely make it there and back safely.

Song Fight! Live is this weekend and I’m having a hard time even seeing myself being able to participate in it at this point, at least to the level I want to.

I’m so fucking tired, and then I have people around me shaming me for not being able to do the things I want to do, as if I don’t want to be doing them, as if I can just magically summon the fucking energy that isn’t there.

Everything is just a lot and there isn’t a whole lot of stuff out there filling me with optimism. Like, all of the information about chronic fatigue syndrome is that there’s no treatment, it’s all about ✨managing your energy✨ but I’m already doing the bare minimum to exist and even that is too fucking much for me.

I still have so many songs and stories and games in me but they’re just fucking locked inside.

I need help.