Anarchist Chinchilla


I was in a secret relationship with an architect who presented himself in a very Willy Wonka-esque way. He had a great quality of showmanship, and parlayed this into becoming president of the United States of America, with me as his vice president.

Several times I explained to him Willy Wonka’s whole deal, and he kept on pretending to not understand or not see how this applied to him. After explaining specifically Gene Wilder’s take on the character, with the cane and the somersault to tell the audience that he was lying, I came to realize that this one was lying too. I still loved him, but I was suspicious of him.

One evening we were taking a stroll around the White House grounds, when we heard a sound coming from a glass container that we used as a storage facility. I saw a shadowy figure trying to cut small holes in the glass, and the president and I split up to take a look. I managed to subdue the figure; she was an Italian spy, dressed in black and masked. The president ran off for safety while I struggled with her, and when I unmasked her, she turned out to be a chinchilla.

“What were you doing?” I asked the chinchilla.

“I am trying to prevent a president from being the president.”

“Are you trying to murder my husband?!”

“No… back in time. The fifth president. They should not be a thing.”

We had a struggle. I accidentally stepped on one of her paws, causing her to yelp in pain. I felt bad for her, and offered to take her home.

On the way we discussed anarchy, and I admitted that I was only vice president as a point of convenience and distraction, and that I was myself an anarcho-socialist, and I was very interested in her ideas about how to bring down the presidency, and the government as a whole.

For hours we tried to navigate through the Washington DC subway system, and as we talked I became increasingly self-conscious about my vice presidential ID badge hanging around my neck.

Finally we made it to her subway stop, and we agreed to meet up for coffee later.

Muppet Speed Dating


Have you heard the latest craze? it’s Muppet Speed Dating! Here’s how it works.

First, your soul is transferred into a muppet. Then you sit at a grid position, and you face one of your neighbors. The devil tells you to RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE, and then you stand up, and you and your neighbor get two prompts, one for each hand. Try your best to do both prompts at each other!

The prompts might be an action like “wave,” “have sex,” or “uchi wa-wa.” It’s up to you to figure out what that means!

You have three seconds, and you will be judged.

Remember to keep track of your achievements and failures. Send us a screenshot to get a free commemorative button.

Do this for as long as you like, but don’t overdo it. We don’t want you to become addicted and oversaturated. After all, the devil wants to see as many different souls as he can.

Just remember to mix it up, and always uchi wa-wa as best you can.