busybee fluffy rambles

I definitely felt like it had an effect of some sort. I still had trouble with executive dysfunction, but I was acutely aware of how much time I was wasting and how I should be doing something else. All throughout the day I’ve kinda-sorta managed to focus on things, although still not actually doing the things I need to be focusing on, but at least I felt like my brain wasn’t dropping stuff on the floor quite as much.

I also have felt pretty headachey, similarly to the long headache I had when I first had to go cold turkey on caffeine.

But this day was, in retrospect, pretty promising. I was able to maintain multiple ongoing conversations with people online (both Slack and email) without getting confused or scattered about who I needed to say what to, and I could make decisive statements without succumbing to worries about phrasing things right (and phrasing things to sound right seemed pretty straightforward for once).

At around Noon my new kitchen appliances arrived and I found it easy enough to wire up the range, and also to stop obsessing over getting it in place when it became clear I’d need help from the contractor and anyway there’s some stuff the contractor needs to do to prepare the floor under it anyway. And when it was clear I needed to just let it go, I was able to, which is… surprising? And I’m only even realizing I did something amazing just now.

I didn’t realize I was hungry until 2 PM, when I finally went out and had lunch, and it was surprisingly easy to make the decision about what to have and where to have it. So, that was different than usual.

Oh, and unsurprisingly, my rest heart rate has been a lot higher today; yesterday it was 59 (pretty typical for me) and today it’s been 75-85 or thereabouts, although I’m not sure what the actual average rest HR is because my Apple Watch has assumed that the elevated heart rate is a sign that it’s not a resting heart rate. (Sadly it hasn’t been high enough to be counted as exercise time, either.)

Anyway, now it’s around 5 PM and I definitely feel it wearing off and I’m starting to feel buzzy and vague and sleepy. I was hoping to finish a journal comic I started drawing after the psychiatrist appointment but I’m not really feeling like it right now. Maybe I’ll finally watch the finale of The Good Place before the Internet spoils it for me, and see how I feel about finishing the comic afterwards.

EDIT: And then immediately after posting this I had a rapid succession of pretty good brain function: On my way upstairs to watch TV, I saw that my cat box needed cleaning, and I cleaned it. Then my cats wanted to be fed, and I fed them, and while feeding them I got distracted by a sudden phone call (from my psychiatrist’s office, ironically enough), and I didn’t get flustered by it, and when I was done with the call I finished feeding the cats, and then while on my way upstairs I got a Discord notification mentioning that it sounds like Adderall might be right for me, and I held onto knowing about it while getting to the couch, responded to it accordingly, and then, without forgetting what I was doing, started watching the finale of The Good Place. And have also been managing my attention reasonably well while doing that too.

Yeah I think this is gonna work for me, maybe? It’s not a magic bullet panacea but it’s a heck of a tool to use all the same.