busybee fluffy rambles

I saw the rheumatologist today. The whole time he pretty much just tried to imply that my trans HRT was to blame, either by somehow causing pain directly (citing “definitive research”) or by being responsible for my history of DVT. He never asked questions, he only assumed, and he had absolutely no understanding of how important HRT is, especially for a post-op trans person, nor did he want to understand.

Why do doctors act as if trans HRT is just something done for funsies or that it isn’t itself medically necessary? I was miserable when I was testosterone-dominant. I’m not going to fucking stop taking estrogen, and if I did, then, what, I’m supposed to start injecting T? I’d sooner die.

He said that whatever I have probably isn’t arthritis, but didn’t want to speculate anything about the specific physical joint problems. As usual everything was just chalked up to “fibromyalgia.” He did order one simple genetic test but he said he’d expect it to come back negative.

The only recommendation he could give me was to start swimming at a heated therapy pool, and he mentioned one that isn’t too far from my house. He said with a prescription I might be able to get a discounted rate.

I am not a fan of swimming.

And, of course, no discussion took place whatsoever regarding my vertigo or my fatigue. The rheumatologist did at least recognize that I can’t “just exercise” which is why he recommended the swimming, as being a low-impact thing that I could use to somehow work up to higher-intensity things. But he still made it sound like this was a step towards running marathons, or something, when I was perfectly capable of doing pretty intense exercise before, but that tapered off over the last few years.

But of course he never even gave me a chance to talk about that.

What I need is someone who gives a shit and wants to order x-rays and MRIs and so on for my hands and knees and wrists, to try to see what’s actually going on physically.

The fucking medical system is broken and I’m at my wits' end here. Nobody can claim I’m not trying to work. We’ll see if social security decides I’m not trying hard enough, or something.

Tomorrow I have a shitload of dental work to get done. Two cavities and a crown. I am not looking forward to it.

I also have a phonescreen with a company on Wednesday that I’d have loved to work for a decade ago but there’s no way I can actually keep up with their demands now. I’m just going through it because it was so hard to get this interview in the first place. I forget when I actually applied to this job. Surely it wasn’t recently.

I’m so tired of being in pain, I’m so tired of having no answers for what’s causing it, I’m so tired of the lack of any medical professionals even giving a shit, I’m so tired of not being able to do anything that I want to do.

I wonder if my life is even worth living right now. I’m just going through the motions, and the motions fucking hurt.

I feel like I’m just taking up resources and not even getting any benefit from it. The things I want to make just feel so far away and impossible, and I’m sure not enjoying what I’m doing now.

Just. Fuck everything.