I need some real-life friends

Lately I’ve been feeling super isolated and depressed. A lot of it is because I’ve just been so fatigued all the time, and the rare times I have energy to do anything I’m pouring it all into the album. But like, I’m getting very little socializing in with other people.

Sure, there’s weekly choir stuff (and by the way I’ll be performing at our talent show on Saturday! please come!) but that’s not really filling in any social needs.

I’ve also not been spending much time on VRChat lately. Or interacting all that much on Discord (although that seems to be most of where my social energy is going, ugh). I’m mostly just living a hermit life, occasionally going to the grocery store, and then plugging away at my things.

This is a time of year that I usually get super depressed, due to the changing weather, rapidly-shortening day, and then being slammed over the head with the end of daylight saving time. It’s always been bad for me but it’s been especially bad since, oh, 2020, when pandemic isolation started, and my decision to move out to a small town in 2021 hasn’t helped much with that either (although on the other hand I’m glad I did that overall).

Having panic attacks when driving doesn’t help either; it makes it very easy for me to make excuses to stay home, or to only go to places that are reachable by bus, and taking a bus ride anywhere is also an express ticket to fatigueville. (But so is driving to most places that are served by the bus. I have come to loathe city driving, and even moreso, city parking.)

I know so many people in the area but I haven’t even met most of them in person. The ones I do know in person I hardly ever see. I feel like I’m turning into a ghost, an un-person, a caricature of myself.

About the only social joy I’ve been getting has been my small performances in VRChat and even then I’m not doing those very much either. They’re wearing me out, and I’m trying to save my music-related pain and fatigue for the album. And after the album comes out I’ll of course be doing release parties, but like. Guh.

I have so many things that just set me on edge and make me blow up internally right now and tonight I ended up angrily making chili for dinner and had intrusive thoughts about how chopping onions carelessly would be a great way to lose some fingers, and then I broke down crying as if I’d actually done that. There’s just this feeling of unreality surrounding everything. Maybe I’m already dead and I just don’t know it yet.

So yeah uh. I guess I’m feeling pretty dissociated right now, and it’d be great if I could get some grounding.

Anyone want to hang out? Ideally in/near White Center.