Ketamine 5

just got back from my fifth infusion and so here’s a customary longwinded rambleblogspewthing about what I remember from it

whenever I enter into it I always feel like I’ve done something wrong or I’m going to die or I’ve made a mistake but then it’s okay because everyone dies eventually and the universe will end and that’s okay

and this time around the universe was full of love and I was a frog on a lily pad in the sun and all the biological processes around me were happy and the universe is made of love and we are made of love

and i am very grateful for my friends and everyone i work with and talk to and i’m so glad that i know everyone who i do, and for the people who have decided to shut me out that’s totally okay because it’s what helps them to live their best lives too, and i hope that they are doing well

i like being me

i’ve been having anxiety again over the past few days and panic attacks out of the blue from like. intense dreams about things falling and breaking. but these sessions help me with the anxiety and the panic and the things i learn from them seem to help me more and more each time

today’s session was intensely cozy, it was XXX-TREEM COZINESS and i thinhk it was a good experience

spud drove me there and picked me up and he is one of my oldest friends and definitely one of my best friends, and i get upset whenever i do something that upsets spud and i’m so grateful that he’s still my friend

i wish people were nicer to each other, and i hope my friends eevee and clover stop getting constant harassment because of people who don’t want to forgive and are out for revenge that isn’t theirs to take

for this session i started out using evambient l to z by ambienteer but that was too intense so i moved to the journey soundtrack nad then realized that was still too intense so just as the ketamine was kicking in i asked to switch to the clinic’s playlist and that made everything better. somehow i was able to pilot the meat puppet to put away my airpods and the case in my pocket which is pretty incredible given that i had my eyemask on and bsaically zero proprioception and this is a task thta’s hard to do even when i’m awake/alert/sober/able to see. and the clinic’s playlist for today was just like random pentatonic panflute stuff and that’s why i was a frog on a lily pad in the river before i went off into space

and i’m not a man but it’s understandable that people see me as one a lot of the time and i’m not really a woman either but i’m fine with being a nonbinary weirdo who is often plaid and often fluffy, and i wonder why when i changed my name i didn’t just change it to ‘fluffy’ because that’s how everyone i care about knows me anyway

i thought a lot about my family and like. my family’s pretty okay. my relationship with them could be better. but i’ll be seeing them all in about a month and it’ll be nice to see them again.

the universe is made of love and i love the universe and i love everyeone i know and i love being me and being someone who can do the things i do, and i hope these treatments will help me with my chronic pain and my anxiety so that i can love doing the things i love to do again

i don’t expect anyone to read this stream of consciousness whatever but if you got this far please post a comment with the word ‘waffle’ in it




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