So tired of chronic pain

Not that anyone would ever want to be in chronic pain or anything, but holy fuck am I tired of being in it.

I’ve done very little at the computer since my job ended, and have been trying to focus on things that don’t use my hands so much, or where my hands aren’t subject to the things that cause pain. But I’m still in agony, and I don’t know what’s causing it.

I’m going to have to hold off before my plans of doing more with my streaming, and probably with my music making for that matter. I feel like any sort of activity just eats into my pain budget right away.

Today I spent some time on VRChat in some private spaces, making friends and having good conversation and exploring. And at the end of it I felt wiped out, like I’d literally been hiking in the wilderness of Hyrule. That plus the gardening I did just proved to be too much for me.

I always have such big plans for the things I’m going to do, but whether it’s for myself or for others, it always falls apart because my shitty body just… can’t. It’s so frustrating. My head is full of so many ideas, so many songs, so many games, so many comics, and none of them can come out because of this vicious cycle that leaves me able to do little more than smoke weed and think a lot about what I’d be doing if I could.

I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve spent a long time doing way too much and that it’s okay for me to slow down for a while. But I can’t be doing this little with my day. I’m going bonkers with ennui and inactivity.

I need something to do that keeps my brain engaged but doesn’t require anything from my body.


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