fluffy rambles: The return of panic

The return of panic

February 21, 2024 5:32 PM (2 months ago)

Wellp, I had another big panic attack while driving today. Worst one I’ve had in around a year, and my usual grounding and mindfulness things didn’t help. I had a vertigo attack while entering the tunnel to the I-90 bridge, and this very quickly cascaded to a full-on panic shutdown.

I managed to make my way to Mercer Island and stopped at a Starbucks to collect myself, and then was able to get back across the bridge to make my way to Rainier Ave to drive home via surface streets, and had a good cry when I got home.

This is so frustrating and infuriating. I thought I’d gotten past this stuff. I thought I had the coping skills to deal with things. I thought I’d be able to actually go out and do things. But now I’m back to where I was a year ago, which in turn feels like I did when these panic attacks first started over a decade ago.

Every time this happens my world ends up shrinking just a little more.

Whenever I talk about this stuff people always assume that I just need to be reassured that crossing bridges is pretty safe, but bridges aren’t an issue for me. My big triggers when driving are curvy freeways and freeway tunnels. Especially when it’s raining. Especially when there’s big trucks around. Especially when I’m feeling dizzy for whatever reason. And this was all those things all at once.

I’ve been having a lot of vertigo lately. Usually not when driving, but when living my life. Taking a walk. Taking a shower. And it’s so frustrating. I’m sure it’s related to all the other crap going on with my body but whenever I’ve tried getting a doctor to take me seriously about stuff they just 🤷‍♀️ and have no further ideas.

I hate how much pain I’m in and how tired I am and how little I’m capable of doing these days, and I’m just so frustrated at what’s been taken away from me.

Everything just keeps going downhill.