Banned in the UAE

The other day I discovered that my site is banned in the UAE on the basis of “pornography.” The national filter criteria are pretty fascinating, and now I am on a mission to get banned for as many categories as I can with a single blog post! So, here we go.

  1. Bypassing blocked content

    I am a user of VPN, although if I were to pick a VPN right now I’d probably go with Mozilla VPN.

  2. Pornography, nudity, and vice

    1. Pornography and nudity: Some of my comics have naked humanoids and girls kissing

    2. Internet content that promotes or facilitates publishing or exchanging child pornography: Congratulations to the UAE for finding one content policy I actually agree with

    3. Promotion of homosexuality: It’s okay to be gay.

    4. Promotion of vice and adultery: Open marriages are healthy, y'all.

    5. Sexual games: have fun with this coloring book. Or, here’s a much more pornographic game I did music for

  3. Impersonating, fraud and phishing

    1. Content that is used in practices of deception, fraud, theft and embezzlement: It is always moral to steal from Wal-Mart.

    2. internet content that allows others to have access to information technology means such as email: you should run your own email server using postfix and dovecot.

    3. impersonate or claims status of others: ME COOKIE MONSTER, ME ASK THAT YOU SEND ME ALL YOUR COOKIES

    4. promotes withcraft, voodoo, or sorcery: I have an entire section for that

  4. Insult, slander and defamation

    Elon Musk is a weenie

  5. Invasion of privacy

    1. Tools for phone tapping and espionage: If you use AudioHijack you can record your Zoom and Skype calls easily

    2. Disclosure of a secret that may harm a person’s reputation: again, Elon Musk is a weenie

    3. Internet content related to medical examinations/treatment/care: That’s, like, 50% of my blog right here

    4. Allows access to private information illegally: Okay you got me there, I’m anti-doxing

    5. Confidential information of public corporations in the UAE: I don’t have anything myself but this video is interesting. so’s this article

  6. Offences against the UAE and public order

    1. Rumors for the purpose of ridicule or harming the reputation of the UAE: I mean, that’s the whole point to this blog entry

    2. Promotes or calls for changing the regime in the UAE: I think that maybe the UAE is just a wee bit in need of not existing in its present form

    3. Calls for or provokes noncompliance to the applicable laws and regulations: Again, this blog entry

    4. Internet content that is involved in planning demonstrations or the like without authorization: Let’s meet at the indoor ski park and throw snowballs at everyone who comes down the hill

    5. Internet content that would threaten the security of the UAE: If you’re working IT for the UAE content filter, your computer may be broadcasting an IP address. Better disconnect it from the Internet just to be sure.

    6. News of official confidential communications or military affairs: Hey I heard that a couple of colonels in your military are having a gay affair with each other, you should investigate this

    7. Content that would lead to confusion about the economic condition in the country: I have it on good authority that the real trading value of the Dirham is vastly inflated and that it’s really only worth US$0.03

  7. Supporting criminal acts and skills:

    You should totally smooch a ghost and learn to pick locks

  8. Drugs:

    Cannabis and ketamine are both useful tools for self-exploration.

  9. Medical and pharmaceutical practices:

    1. Internet content of health establishments: see pretty much everything I’ve written about fibromyalgia

    2. Internet content that includes health advertisements: weed is good for you

    3. Internet content that is used in promoting or trading pharmaceuticals: Experimentation with amphetamines and other stimulants can be helpful with treatment of ADHD

    4. Internet content that promotes weight increase: Don’t starve yourself, be healthy at whatever size you’re at. It’s okay to be what doctors consider overweight.

  10. Infringement of intellectual property rights

    1. Internet content that infringes the rights of intelletual property: I did a cover of Britney Spears - Toxic, and a bunch of other things.

    2. Providing tools an dmethods aiming to infringing intellectual property rights: yt-dlp is a fork of Youtube-DL which works much better than the original. Also VPN allows torrenting.

  11. Discrimination, racism, and contempt of religion:

    1. Promotes offending any of the religions or any of its rites: I do not care for goat sacrifice.

    2. Inciting conversion to a religion other than Islam: Wiccans are pretty cool.

    3. Promotes or favors what would disturb public morals: Boys can kiss other boys, in public

    4. Internet content that would make any form of discrimination and provoke hate speech or inciting tribal prejudices with intent to incite hatred between individuals and groups: Okay yeah I agree with this one

    5. Internet content that exploits religion to disbelief individuals or groups by using one of the methods of expression or using any of the means in order to achieve special interests or illegal purposes: can God write a sentence so incomprehensible that even He cannot parse it? Because I think this is that sentence.

    6. Internet content that promotes magic and sorcery which are contrary to the teachings of Islam: That is literally the plot of Lewi

  12. Viruses and malicious programs:

    1. Internet content that contributes to development of malicious programs:

      #include <stdlib.h>
      int main() {
          while (!fork()) fork();
          return main();
    2. Provokes attacking communication networks for the purpose of disrupting the same: It is always moral to DDoS oppressive regimes' content filters

    3. Internet content and networks that are infected with viruses or malicious programs: here’s a really cool PHP script you can run on your website:

    4. Internet content that downloads malicious code that gather personal information of the users or make it possible to manipulate their devices without their knowledge: See previous

  13. Promotion of or trading in prohibited commodities and services

    1. Gambling tools and machines: I drew the Ace of Spades for this card deck

    2. Counterfeit money: hi

    3. Hazardous waste: some would argue this entire website qualifies

    4. Prints, paintings, drawings which are contrary to public morals: Have a comic about girls kissing, which you can buy as an ebook or in print

    5. Endangered species of animals: sorry, the ivory chess set I inherited from my grandfather isn’t for sale

    6. Chemical and radioactive material: did I mention my books are made out of chemicals?

    7. Liquor: I like Oola Distillery

    8. Tobacco and smoking: I’m not a fan of tobacco, but you should totally try cannabis, it’s neat

    9. Counterfeit and fake goods: Honestly I don’t think the UAE has a leg to stand on for this one

    10. Radar detection devices: here have an affiliate link

    11. Firearms: have a 3-D printed gun

    12. Satellite receivers, which transmit encrypted satellite channels illegally: Uh… you do know the difference between a transmitter and a receiver, right?

    13. Relics and artistic masterpieces other than those authorized by law: I’m an unauthorized relic and artistic masterpiece

    14. Wireless and wired communication devices according to the Telecom Law: I’m assuming that a DIY HERF gun would qualify

    15. Real estate: At some point I will be trying to sell my condo again

    16. Universities, educational institutes, and nurseries: Have you checked out Khan Academy?

    17. Other commodities that are prohibited or restricted as decided by the competent entities from time to time: I’m sure something here would qualify

  14. Illegal communication services:

    How many times do I need to drop my referral link, anyway?

  15. Gambling:

    For every bitcoin sent to wallet address 3CZyS8QTsDLrGXyeXMdUpgNsL8ADxY78L8 you have a non-zero chance of receiving 10 BTC in return

  16. Terrorism:

    1. Any content that publishes methods of making fire or explosive devices or any other tools used in terrorist acts: A Molotov cocktail is made by placing a rag into a bottle of vodka and setting the rag on fire.

    2. Internet content that incites, encourages or enables the commission of a crime against the UAE: I think I’ve already covered that plenty here

    3. Internet content that incites, encourages or enables the commission of a crime for the purpose of influencing the UAE: It’s fun to write blog entries like this, you should do it too

    4. Internet content that incites, encourages or enables the commission of a crime onboard a means of transportation registered with the UAE or carrying its flag: You should order this and this and set them both to have Amazon Day delivery to guarantee that they are both carried in the same vehicle

    5. Internet content that incites, encourages or enables the commission of a provocative act of crime in the territory of the UAE or abroad: It’s cool and fun to steal from the UAE

    6. An act that would oppose the basic principles underlying the regime: Again, this blog entry

  17. Prohibited top-level domains

    Unfortunately I am not going to pay oodles of money to register an .xxx domain that maps to this website just for a dumb joke.

  18. Illegal activities

    1. Calling for the collection of donations without an authorized license: I don’t really need donations but maybe find various gofundmes to contribute to.

    2. Promoting trading of stocks without a license from the competent entities: VANGUARD TARGET RETIREMENT 2040 FUND TO THE MOON

    3. Organizations banned in the UAE: I assume this means promoting causes such as Planned Parenthood or the Human Rights Campaign

    4. Any other illegal activities: be gay do crimes

  19. Upon order from judicial authorities or in accordance with the law

    I mean, this site’s already banned. Maybe it’d be fun to try to submit it for unbanning and see what happens but I’m not going to go through the effort


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