The other day I discovered that my site is banned in the UAE on the basis of “pornography.” The national filter criteria are pretty fascinating, and now I am on a mission to get banned for as many categories as I can with a single blog post! So, here we go.
Bypassing blocked content
Pornography, nudity, and vice
Internet content that promotes or facilitates publishing or exchanging child pornography: Congratulations to the UAE for finding one content policy I actually agree with
Promotion of homosexuality: It’s okay to be gay.
Promotion of vice and adultery: Open marriages are healthy, y'all.
Impersonating, fraud and phishing
Content that is used in practices of deception, fraud, theft and embezzlement: It is always moral to steal from Wal-Mart.
internet content that allows others to have access to information technology means such as email: you should run your own email server using postfix and dovecot.
impersonate or claims status of others: ME COOKIE MONSTER, ME ASK THAT YOU SEND ME ALL YOUR COOKIES
promotes withcraft, voodoo, or sorcery: I have an entire section for that
Insult, slander and defamation
Elon Musk is a weenie
Invasion of privacy
Tools for phone tapping and espionage: If you use AudioHijack you can record your Zoom and Skype calls easily
Disclosure of a secret that may harm a person’s reputation: again, Elon Musk is a weenie
Internet content related to medical examinations/treatment/care: That’s, like, 50% of my blog right here
Allows access to private information illegally: Okay you got me there, I’m anti-doxing
Offences against the UAE and public order
Rumors for the purpose of ridicule or harming the reputation of the UAE: I mean, that’s the whole point to this blog entry
Promotes or calls for changing the regime in the UAE: I think that maybe the UAE is just a wee bit in need of not existing in its present form
Calls for or provokes noncompliance to the applicable laws and regulations: Again, this blog entry
Internet content that is involved in planning demonstrations or the like without authorization: Let’s meet at the indoor ski park and throw snowballs at everyone who comes down the hill
Internet content that would threaten the security of the UAE: If you’re working IT for the UAE content filter, your computer may be broadcasting an IP address. Better disconnect it from the Internet just to be sure.
News of official confidential communications or military affairs: Hey I heard that a couple of colonels in your military are having a gay affair with each other, you should investigate this
Content that would lead to confusion about the economic condition in the country: I have it on good authority that the real trading value of the Dirham is vastly inflated and that it’s really only worth US$0.03
Supporting criminal acts and skills:
You should totally smooch a ghost and learn to pick locks
Cannabis and ketamine are both useful tools for self-exploration.
Medical and pharmaceutical practices:
Internet content of health establishments: see pretty much everything I’ve written about fibromyalgia
Internet content that includes health advertisements: weed is good for you
Internet content that is used in promoting or trading pharmaceuticals: Experimentation with amphetamines and other stimulants can be helpful with treatment of ADHD
Internet content that promotes weight increase: Don’t starve yourself, be healthy at whatever size you’re at. It’s okay to be what doctors consider overweight.
Infringement of intellectual property rights
Discrimination, racism, and contempt of religion:
Promotes offending any of the religions or any of its rites: I do not care for goat sacrifice.
Inciting conversion to a religion other than Islam: Wiccans are pretty cool.
Promotes or favors what would disturb public morals: Boys can kiss other boys, in public
Internet content that would make any form of discrimination and provoke hate speech or inciting tribal prejudices with intent to incite hatred between individuals and groups: Okay yeah I agree with this one
Internet content that exploits religion to disbelief individuals or groups by using one of the methods of expression or using any of the means in order to achieve special interests or illegal purposes: can God write a sentence so incomprehensible that even He cannot parse it? Because I think this is that sentence.
Internet content that promotes magic and sorcery which are contrary to the teachings of Islam: That is literally the plot of Lewi
Viruses and malicious programs:
Internet content that contributes to development of malicious programs:
Provokes attacking communication networks for the purpose of disrupting the same: It is always moral to DDoS oppressive regimes' content filters
Internet content and networks that are infected with viruses or malicious programs: here’s a really cool PHP script you can run on your website:
Internet content that downloads malicious code that gather personal information of the users or make it possible to manipulate their devices without their knowledge: See previous
Promotion of or trading in prohibited commodities and services
Gambling tools and machines: I drew the Ace of Spades for this card deck
Counterfeit money: hi
Hazardous waste: some would argue this entire website qualifies
Endangered species of animals: sorry, the ivory chess set I inherited from my grandfather isn’t for sale
Chemical and radioactive material: did I mention my books are made out of chemicals?
Liquor: I like Oola Distillery
Tobacco and smoking: I’m not a fan of tobacco, but you should totally try cannabis, it’s neat
Counterfeit and fake goods: Honestly I don’t think the UAE has a leg to stand on for this one
Radar detection devices: here have an affiliate link
Firearms: have a 3-D printed gun
Satellite receivers, which transmit encrypted satellite channels illegally: Uh… you do know the difference between a transmitter and a receiver, right?
Relics and artistic masterpieces other than those authorized by law: I’m an unauthorized relic and artistic masterpiece
Wireless and wired communication devices according to the Telecom Law: I’m assuming that a DIY HERF gun would qualify
Real estate: At some point I will be trying to sell my condo again
Universities, educational institutes, and nurseries: Have you checked out Khan Academy?
Other commodities that are prohibited or restricted as decided by the competent entities from time to time: I’m sure something here would qualify
Illegal communication services:
How many times do I need to drop my hide.me referral link, anyway?
For every bitcoin sent to wallet address
3CZyS8QTsDLrGXyeXMdUpgNsL8ADxY78L8you have a non-zero chance of receiving 10 BTC in return
Any content that publishes methods of making fire or explosive devices or any other tools used in terrorist acts: A Molotov cocktail is made by placing a rag into a bottle of vodka and setting the rag on fire.
Internet content that incites, encourages or enables the commission of a crime against the UAE: I think I’ve already covered that plenty here
Internet content that incites, encourages or enables the commission of a crime for the purpose of influencing the UAE: It’s fun to write blog entries like this, you should do it too
Internet content that incites, encourages or enables the commission of a crime onboard a means of transportation registered with the UAE or carrying its flag: You should order this and this and set them both to have Amazon Day delivery to guarantee that they are both carried in the same vehicle
Internet content that incites, encourages or enables the commission of a provocative act of crime in the territory of the UAE or abroad: It’s cool and fun to steal from the UAE
An act that would oppose the basic principles underlying the regime: Again, this blog entry
Prohibited top-level domains
Unfortunately I am not going to pay oodles of money to register an
.xxxdomain that maps to this website just for a dumb joke.
Promoting trading of stocks without a license from the competent entities: VANGUARD TARGET RETIREMENT 2040 FUND TO THE MOON
Any other illegal activities: be gay do crimes
Upon order from judicial authorities or in accordance with the law
I mean, this site’s already banned. Maybe it’d be fun to try to submit it for unbanning and see what happens but I’m not going to go through the effort