Today’s wins and frustrations

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The work on my bathroom is nearly complete. The wall is patched, the tile is fixed (and it went surprisingly well with no additional damage from the broken tile’s removal), and all that’s left is replacing the baseboard and painting. I don’t even need to be without a shower while anything cures, as it turns out.

Then I had a massage appointment out in Tukwila (across the street from the hotel I was staying at during the original bathroom remodel from hell, coincidentally enough). I felt the start of a panic attack when I was close to the end of the drive, but made it there fine.

The massage therapist’s office was upstairs, in a building with no elevator, and his office was locked and the instructions said to wait out in the hallway if that’s the case. My knees were acting up much more than usual today, so of course I got to sit out in the hallway while I heard the massage therapist just chatting with his previous client for 20 minutes about fishing. And then when they finally decided to end the yammering and he saw that I was out there he said I should have just knocked on the door to be let in. Oy.

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The return of panic

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Wellp, I had another big panic attack while driving today. Worst one I’ve had in around a year, and my usual grounding and mindfulness things didn’t help. I had a vertigo attack while entering the tunnel to the I-90 bridge, and this very quickly cascaded to a full-on panic shutdown.

I managed to make my way to Mercer Island and stopped at a Starbucks to collect myself, and then was able to get back across the bridge to make my way to Rainier Ave to drive home via surface streets, and had a good cry when I got home.

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Why I’m open about my mental health (and other things)

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Back in 2015, I was a complete mess, and I did everything I could to hide it. I was still having panic attacks regularly, and they would be brought on by the slightest provocation. But I felt, working in tech, that I had to be quiet about it, and just let things pass and things would get better if I ignored them.

One day a coworker did a thing that triggered a pretty big panic attack. It wasn’t anything malicious on his part, just a cavalier, morbid joke in gestural form that happened to tread upon one of my biggest triggers.

I felt awful, and I wanted to keep from feeling that way again.

So I messaged him on our work chat, and told him that the gesture he made happens to be a huge trigger for me and I was having a pretty major panic attack as a result. And his response was incredibly helpful: he didn’t realize, he understood, and he wouldn’t do it again. And he stuck to that.

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